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"^ MOLLY BAWN. 35 cents* A comedy drama in 4 acts, by Maris Doran. 
7 male, 4 female characters (or by doubling, 5 male and 3 female). Time, about 2 
hours. Based upon incidents from a story by "The Duchess." The story is woven 
aboat Eleanor Masserene {Molly Bawn), whose mother eloped with a young Irishman, 
•which has so embittered her grandfather that he disinherited her. After many years 
of loneliness he sends for Molly. How the coquettish heiress wins the hard, old man, 
is worked out in the play sometimes in a comedy setting and again in strong dramatic 
tenseness. $10.00 royalty per performance by ajnateurs. 

•UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK; or. Married In Thirty 

Days. 23 cents. A comedy in 5 acts, by O. E. Young. 6 male, 6 female charac- 
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which naturally gets him into more trouble. Through his effort to get out of the 
tangle many funny situations arise. Among the characters are a very funny chamber- 
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"^ArWAIT AND SEE, 25 cents, a comedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. 
Clifford. 7 males, 7 females, i easy interior. Time, i'/^ hours. At a week end 
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*WIVES .ON A STRIKE. 25 cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian 
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scenes. Costumes varied. At a meeting cf the Wives Welfare Club, it is decided to 
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*'go on strike." Betty''s scheme to make her husband change his set ideas about 
-woman s rights is the cause of all the mix-up. How the strike is won and the hus- 
bands taken back is cleverlydepicted in the play. A parrot who swears at the right 
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TirHIS SISTERS* 2S cents. A farce in i act; by Beulah King, i m.ile, 
and 8 female characters ^ org female characters as the male may easily be impersonated 
by a female character, i interior. Time, 30 minutes. Three sisters, who adore their 
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^SUITED AT LAST. 2S cents, a sketch in i act, by Elizabeth 
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minutes. Dorothy, a newly-wed wife, is in search of a cook; her mother, her chum, 
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•ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 35 cents. a collection of short mono- 
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V -^GORGEOUS CECILE. The. 2S cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by 
Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters, i interior. Time, 2 hours. Max, the 
son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
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irustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns. The parts are all good 
and well contrasted, with sparkling dialogue and plenty of action. 

, MADAME G. WHILIKENS* BEAUTY PARLOR. 2S cents. 

An original entertainment in 2 acts, by Viola Gardner Brow^n, for 12 (or less) female 
characters, i interior scene. Time if played straight about 50 minutes. Avery comi- 
cal travesty on a beauty parlor during a busy day. Introducing among others^ Frenchi 
Irish, colored,. rube character, two salesladies, alJ strongly contrasted. ' ¥ 



THAT PARLOR MAID 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



By 
HELEN C. CLIFFORD 

'Author of " Wait and See,'' "Alice s Blighted 
Profession,'- "Whose Widow," etc. 



Copyright, 1922, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



^sp 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York 



NOTE i^The moving picture and professional acting 
rights of this play are expressly reserved by the publish- 
ers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce it 
should apply. Amateur representation may be made 
without such application and without charge. 

,L7dsTr 

That Parlor Maid 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Hamilton Tlie liostess 

Bob Hamilton Her son 

EsTELLE Hamilton Her daughter 

Uncle John Her hrother-in-laiv 

Archie Estelle's fiance 

Drusilla Hopkins A young poetess 

Jim Clark In love with Estelle 

Mrs. Jones A guest 

Cecil Jones Her husband 

Anna The parlor maid 

RosiE The cook 

FiDO Uncle John's dog 



Time : — The present. Locality : — Summer cottage 
in the Adirondacks. 

Time of Playing: — About an hour and a half; by 
Anna introducing songs and dances it can be lengthened 
as desired. 



2 



SEP 30 1922 



That Parlor Maid 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Mrs. Hamilton. A middle-aged society woman, proud 
of family and detests anything vulgar. At first entrance 
she is dressed in street attire. During the remainder of 
the play she wears neat, modern dresses. 

Bob. a 3^oung man of about 30, tall, handsome, and 
very democratic. 

EsTELLE. A beautiful young girl of 22, inclined to be 
snobbish. Wears pretty dresses. On last entrance she 
wears a stylish traveling suit. 

Uncle John. A jolly bachelor of about 35. His dog, 
Fido, is always at his heels. 

Archie. A rather insipid youth of about 25. Wears 
yellow spats and also carries a monocle. 

Drusilla Hopkins. A typical old maid type, about 
35, very solemn expression. She is old fashioned in looks 
and dress. At first entrance she wears a hat and wrap, 
second entrance a very unbecoming dress. In Act III 
she wears outdoor clothes and carries a valise. On last 
entrance in Act III she wears a stylish dress and looks 
very chic. 

Jim Clark. Young man of about 28, handsome in a 
coarse way — has an air of a man-about-town. 

Mrs. Jones. A middle-aged woman who loves scandal, 

Mr. Cecil Jones. A middle-aged henpecked husband. 

Anna. A handsome, jolly, all-round attractive girl of 
about 28. At first entrance she is poorly, though neatly 
clad in street attire, veil drawn over her face, carries a 
large valise. After Mrs. Hamilton engages her she wears 
the regular maids' costume. Her valise should contain 
several cheap, but flashy gowns, supposed to be dance 
hall dresses ; these dresses she does not wear. 

RosiE. A rather stout cook. Wears a large kitchen 
apron, flour daubed on hands and face. 

There are no extraordinary costumes necessary for the 
male characters ; any neat suits will do. 



That Parlor Maid 



INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 
Cigarettes for Bob. 

Book for ESTELLE. ' 

The dog, Fido, for Uncle John. 

A large hand-bag or valise containing several cheap 
but flashy gowns, tea wagon on which there are cups, etc., 
and feather duster for Anna. 

Vanity bag containing powder puff, and telegram for 
Mrs. Hamilton. 

Valise for Drusilla. 

Monocle for Archie. 

Mournful record and jazz records for the Victrola. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of 
stage; D. c, door in center of rear wall; d. r., door at 
right ; D. l., door at left of stage. Up means toward back 
of stage; DOWN, toward footlights. 



That Parlor Maid 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Living-room of Mrs. Hamilton's summer 
cottage in the Adirondacks. Late afternoon. The 
furnishings and furniture must he suitable for a 
summer cottage. Rustic table down c. with chairs 
R. and L. Other rustic chairs placed about as de- 
sired. Doors at r. and l. Another door in c. of 
rear wall opening in from the hallway. If desired 
an open fireplace at l. There is a settle near fire- 
place L. A couch is at r., bookcase near couch. 
Victrola and record cabinet down r. A jazz record 
is hidden behind bookcase. Portrait of a man of 
colonial days hangs over d. r. On the table are 
papers, books, letters, magazines, etc. Vases of 
flowers on bookcase, table, etc. DISCOVERED 
EsTELLE on settle l., book in hand and Bob sitting 
R., smoking. 

EsTELLE. I think it shocking the manner in which 
you treated Belle last night. 

Bob (surprised). Shocking? Ye gods and little 
fishes ! And they call this a free country ! I was obliged 
to grin and make myself agreeable to a most uninterest- 
ing bud, when all around me there were so many beauties 
in whose sunshine I longed to bask. 

EsTELLE (horrified). Bob!! How can you refer to 
Belle in that way? Why, her family is one 

Bob (holds up hand) . Stop ! If you utter that phrase 
again I think I will — eh — eh — eh — OH! I don't know 
what I shall do, but I tell you this much I am gosh darn 
sick pf hearing that said in this family. Why, ever 

5 



6 That Parlor Maid 

since my dancing school days mother has said {Imitates 
mother) " Remember, Bob, make yourself agreeable; her 
family is one of the oldest and richest in the country.'* 
(Throws self on couch, lights cigarette) 

EsTELLE. You certainly are in a most disagreeable 
mood to-day. 

Bob {walks up and down stage). Perhaps I am. But 
I tell you, sis, being in the army and rubbing elbows 
with so many different fellows has taught me that in the 
middle and poorer classes there are as many fine people 
as there are in our set. 

EsTELLE. That was one of the things I detested about 
the war ; all classes were thrown together. I could never 
understand why each class was not kept in its proper 
sphere. 

Bob (laughs). Estelle, you are one of the biggest 
little snobs in five states. 

EsTELLE (indignant). Bob! 

Bob. Don't stare at me so, you are, and so was I 
before the war. It is not our fault — it is simply what 
we were taught from infancy. Estelle, do you know, I 
am beginning to think that shop girls and day laborers 
get more out of life than either you or I. 

Estelle. How absurd! I am rather satisfied with 
my life. 

Bob. But are you? Now own up, wouldn't you like 
it if Archie was to make love to you differently, say — a 
little cave man stuff would put some spice into it. 

Estelle (haughtily). Bob, I would appreciate it if 
you would not discuss my affairs. 

Bob (shrugs shoulders). I will jolly well suit myself 
when it comes to marrying. 

Estelle. You are a Hamilton, therefore you will not. 
For generations Hamiltons have been marrying into the 
best of families, regardless of 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. c. Briskly goes to table, 
looks through letters, paper, etc. 

Mrs. Hamilton (sits near table). We had the most 



That Parlor Maid 7 

interesting meeting to-day. We read quite a few of 
Drusilla Hopkins' poems. I certainly hope she will 
accept my invitation to visit us. 

Bob. And if you can depend on Uncle John's de- 
scription, I, for one, will be delighted with her presence. 
She must be some looker. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Bob ! I wish you would choose your 
words more carefullj^, and why do you always look for 
beauty of face instead of first finding out the social 
standing 

EsTELLE. And who ever heard of a clever woman 
being pretty. Uncle John was up to one of his pranks 
when he told you she was beautiful. 

Bob {disgusted) . Oh, you women make me sick ; there 
you go and spoil everything. (Estelle shrugs shoulders, 
picks up book idly, turns pages. Bob dreamily smokes 
cigarette. Mrs. Hamilton reads letter) 

Mrs. Hamilton (excited). Listen, children, Drusilla 
has accepted and will arrive on the 5 : 30! (Deep voice 
singing and whistling heard off stage) 

ENTER Uncle John d. c. Dog at heels. Stops short 
when he sees occupants of room. 

Uncle John. Oh, hello, everyone! Well, Meg, what's 
the good news? Is she coming? 

Mrs. Hamilton (talks quickly). John, I wish you 
would not call me Meg— and will you ever be serious! 
You seem never to remember that you are a Hamilton — 
look at your appearance — and who are you referring to 
as she ? 

Uncle John (falls in chair overcome). Whew! That 
was a long one. (Raises hand, mock oath) I promise on 
this, the seventh day of July, to become as .solemn as 
death itself. (To dog) Lie down, Pido, have you no 
manners at all ? I am surprised at you, you a Hamilton, 
the idea! (To Mrs. Hamilton) To correct my appear- 
ance — (Straightens tie, rubs spot on coat) And she is 
Drusilla Hopkins. 



8 That Parlor Maid 

Bob (quickly). Oh Uncle John, she is coming — and' 
isn't she pretty? 

Uncle John (to dog). Do you hear that, he wants to 
know if she is pretty. (To Bob) Why, Bob, with her 
golden hair and sparkling eyes, pretty is a mighty poor 
word with which to describe her. I should 

Bob (to Estelle). There! Was I not right? 

EsTELLE (rises — yawns). Well, I should worry what 
her looks are. (Goes to d. r.) 

Bob (mock anxiety. To Uncle). She doesn't flirt, 
does she ? 

Uncle John. Flirt? Why, men old and young, 
cripples and strong ones, become her slaves at first sight. 

Bob (iymocently). Poor Archie! 

Estelle (from d. r.). Archie can have his freedom 
at any time. (EXITS d. r. Uncle and Bob exchange 
amused looks. Mrs. Hamilton reads letter, frowns) 

,Mrs. Hamilton (lowering letter). Now here is a 
pretty state of affairs! Mary writes her mother is no 
better and that she will be unable to resume her duties 
for a week or so. She is sending her friend Anna to fill 
her place. Oh dear ! 

Uncle John. Well, why worry? So long as you will 
have some one to 

Mrs. Hamilton (ignoring Uncle's remarks). I sup- 
pose this friend of hers is an awkward blundering sort, 
and I did want to make it so pleasant for Drusilla. 

Uncle John. By the way, Meg, did Miss Hopkins 
mention when she was coming ? 

Mrs. Hamilton. Oh, my dear, did I not tell you? 
To-day on the 5 : 30, and as you are the only one ac- 
quainted with her I think you had better meet her. 

Uncle John (looks at watch). I'm willing. Better 
go and fuss up a bit. (To dog) Come, Fido. 

[EXIT D. R., whistling 

Bob. Guess I will take a stroll around the grounds 
before dinner. (Goes to d. l.) 

Mrs. Hamilton (turns quickly). Bob, just a slight 
hint. Remember, Drusilla Hopkins comes from one of 



That Parlor Maid 9 

the oldest families in the south — I would like you to make 
yourself very agreeable. 

Bob. Don't worry, mother, I have the most implicit 
faith in Uncle 's choosing. I imagine it will not be hard 
for me to make myself agreeable. [EXITS d. l. 

Mrs. Hamilton {returns to sorting of letters. Sniffs 
air). Good gracious ! What is that burning? If Rosie 
is [EXITS quickly d. r. 

ENTER Bob d. l., followed by Anna. 

Bob {looks around room). Mother was here a minute 
ago. You are the new maid? 

Anna. Yes, sir. 

Bob. Well, just be seated a few moments. (Anna 
sits demurely on edge of chair) I will send mother to 
you. (EXIT Bob d. r. Anna removes veil, skips lightly 
around room, examines doors, windows, etc., stands in 
listening attitude, quickly resumes seat) 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. r. Anna rises. 

Mrs. Hamilton {briskly). You are Mary's friend, I 
believe ? 

Anna. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Hamilton {eyes Anna). Have you had any ex- 
perience as a parlor maid ? 

Anna {quickly). Oh, yes, ma'am. Out West in back 
of Shuttle's Cafe they had a parlor and because I was 
always wanted in there they called me the parlor maid. 

Mrs. Hamilton {gasps). Shuttle's Cafe! Heavens! 

Anna. No, ma'am. Shuttle's Cafe, Havens, Colo- 
rado. 

Mrs. Hamilton {ignoring the correction) . And what 
were your duties there? 

Anna {puzzled). Duties? 

Mrs. Hamilton {impatient). Yes, duties. What did 
you do in this — eh — eh — cafe ? 

Anna {relieved). Oh, I mostly danced like this. 
{Dances a few steps) 



10 That Parlor Maid 

Mrs. Hamilton {waves hand). All right, that will do, 
I 

Anna. Then sometimes I sang. {Sings in a high 
cracked voice '' The End of a Perfect Day/' or any other 
song desired. Mrs. Hamilton goes around room wildly, 
hands over ears, shakes Anna. Anna stops suddenly on 
high note) 

Mrs. Hamilton {almost shrieks). That will do for 
the present. Tell me, is your friend Mary sick, or is it 
her mother? 

Anna {surprised) . Why, Mary is all right; it is her 
mother who is sick. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Oh, I just thought she must be. 
You have brought your uniform ? 

Anna {claps hands delightedly). Oh, which one do 
you want me to wear ? The one with the brass buttons ? 
(Mrs. Hamilton falls in chair y fans herself) Most of 
the boys out there {Points over shoulder with thumb) 
loved me in it — but then I have others just as pretty. 
{Empties contents of hag on floor; out tumble cheap, hut 
flashy gowns. Mrs. Hamilton is too surprised to speak. 
Anna holds up cheap dance hall dress) See, isn't it 
pretty? I love this, don't you? 

Mrs. Hamilton {turns head away in disgust). Take 
it away — take it away. (Anna riimmages through pile 
on ftoor, holds up another dress for inspection) Put 
them all back. {Goes to d. r., calls) Rosie! Eosie! 
(Anna jams dresses in hag) 

Rosie {off stage). Yes, ma'am, I'm coming. 

ENTER Rosie d. r., flour daubed on face and hands. 

Mrs. Hamilton {not turning). Rosie, this is Mary's 
friend, Anna, the new parlor maid. Tell her what to 
wear and what her duties are. 

Rosie {hands on hips, eyes Anna iip and down. 
Anna mimics Rosie. All this behind Mrs. Hamilton's 
back. To Anna). Come, follow me, (Anna picks up 
bag, follows Rosie. Estelle appears at d. c, ivatches 
her another unnoticed) [EXIT Rosie and Anna d. r. 



That Parlor Maid 11 

Mrs. Hamilton {walks up and down, ivringing hands). 
Oh dear, oh dear, whatever shall I do ! 

ENTER ESTELLE D. c. 

EsTELLE. Mother ! What is the trouble ? 

Mrs. Hamilton (forced laugh). Trouble? Oh, noth- 
ing, simply that Mary has sent her friend — a common 
dance hall girl — to take her place ! 

EsTELLE {advances toward mother). A dance hall 
girl? I thought we needed a parlor maid. 

Mrs. Hamilton. So did I, but Mary thought differ- 
ently. 

EsTELLE {horrified). Is Mary crazy or what? 

Mrs. Hamilton. That is what I was wondering. I 
guess she is what. 

EsTELLE. Surely, mother, you are not going to allow 
her to remain? 

Mrs. Hamilton. Can you suggest anything different ? 
Of course, if we were in the city we could hire a maid 
quickly enough — but in this wilderness — impossible — 
and Drusilla Hopkins due any minute. 

EsTELLE {sighs). I suppose she is better than noth- 
ing. We shall have to make the best of it. {Picks up 
hook, goes to settle, hidden from rest of the room) 

[EXIT Mrs. Hamilton d. l., much provoked 

ENTER Anna d. c, followed ly Archie. Estelle 
makes a motion to rise, thinks better of it, sinks 
deeper in settle and watches unseen. 

Anna .{eyes Archie up and down and around). Gee, 
you are some stunner! (Estelle gasps) 

Archie {adjusts monocle, expands chest). M-my 
word — eh — eh 

Anna {pushes Archie into seat). Sit down, old top. 

Archie {grins). You are — eh — jewel — ^by Jove. ^ 

Anna. Oh, no, you get me wrong. I am the jew- 



12 That Parlor Maid 

eller — I am after setting the jewel. {This is lost on 
Archie) Now let me see, what shall I do to amuse you? 
(Thinks) You see, I am the parlor maid. 

Archie {becomes suddenly stiff). Parlor maid! eh— 
eh — {Adjusts ynonocle) will you 

Anna. Yes, parlor maid. Isu't it funny, when I was 
out West behind Mulligan's bar 

Archie {rises quickly, looks around nervously). 
Really, deucedly awk-ward, don't you know, but eh — 

eh (EsTELLE enjoys the situation — ducks every 

now and then) 

Anna {pushes Archie hack into chair). AVhere are 
you bound for, old dear? As I was saying, while behind 
Mulligan's cafe, I used to entertain the customers 
(Archie very uncomfortable) by tellmg them jokes — I 
might try some on you, old bean. Come here. {Takes 
Archie by hand) Now listen. I will say to you I saw 
a golf ball rolling down the street the other day and what 
do you think it did? And you must say, ''Well, what 
did it do ? " Then I will answer you. Ready ? 

Archie {going toward d. c). Really I — I 

Anna {drags him back). Come on, old yellow spats, 
let's have some fun. Ready? ''I saw a golf ball roll 
down the street the other day, and what do you think it 
did?" (Archie looks at Anna — blank expression) 
Well, hurry up, say your line. 

Archie {at sea). My line, my line ? My word! My 
word ! 

Anna. No! no! sa}^ ''Well, what did it do?" 

Archie (parrot-like). No! no, say, "Well, what did 
it do?" 

Anna. It turned round! Ha, ha, ha! (Archie 
looks at Anna bewildered) Why don't you laugh? 

Archie. Laugh? Laugh? By Jove, what at? 

Anna. The ball turned round, ha, ha, ha! (Shakes 
Archie) Grin, old solemn face. (Archie forces grin) 
Heavenly Ned, take it ofP. {Meaning grin) Take it off. 
You are impossible. I'll try singing. (Sings in high 



That Parlor Maid 13 

pitched voice — in midst of song Archie hursts out laugh- 
ing. Anna suddenly stops) Now what ? 

Archie. The ball turned round, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Anna. Well — I'll — be {EsteijLe emerges from 

hiding place) 

EsTELLE {stiffly). I trust I am not intruding? 
(Archie and Anna look at Estelle open-eyed) 

Archie. By — Jove — eh — eh 

Estelle {waves him to silence. To Anna). I pre- 
sume you are the new parlor maid? 

Anna. Yes, ma'am. 

Estelle {haughtily) , You may go. (Anna goes to 
D. R. Blows kiss to Archie, who is much flustered) 

[EXIT Annad.r. 

Archie (staring at d. R.), By Jove, by Jove 

Estelle. Archie ! 

Archie {jumps). Yes — m-my — dear. 

Estelle. Kindly do not dear me after the abomi- 
nable way you acted this afternoon. 

Archie. Acted? Why — what have I done? 

Estelle. Your taste seems rather plebeian. 

Archie. Now, now, Estelle, that is all wrong 

Estelle {yawns). Well, let's forget it. 

Archie. Estelle, you look ripping. All day I think 
of you 

Estelle. Better tend to your work during the day 
and leave me for the evenings. 

Archie. Estelle — eh — eh — will (Gulps) you marry 
me? 

Estelle (stifles yawn). Well, I suppose I have to 
marry some day, and as I said to mother yesterday, I do 
not expect to find a husband like you read about in books. 
All I want is one who is handsome, rich, does not spend 
all his time at the club and will gratify my every wish. 
I suppose you are as good as the next. (Sighs) We 
never do realize our dreams on this earth. 

Archie. And it was only to-day faw-ther said my 
head would be of great value to him in his business. 

Estelle. I don't doubt it. Your father imports 



14 That Parlor Maid 

solid ivory, does he not ? (Archie does not get insinua* 
tion) 

Archie (passionately). Your every wish I will make 
come true, by Jove. 

EsTELLE. I dare say it will be nice to have my own 
home, and servants and automobiles. 

Archie. Estelle! You make me so happy, I warn 
you, I am going to kiss you. 

Estelle {mock surprise) . Really! (J-ws^ as Archie 
is about to kiss Estelle he bursts out laughing) Well ! 
What? 

Archie (laughing). The — the — ball turned round. 

Estelle (rises) . Come, this room is stifling. ( Archie 
continues laughing) [EXIT Archie and Estelle d. c. 

ENTER Anna d. r., very evident she has been listening. 

Anna. Whew ! Some lovers ! I 'm sure glad the key- 
holes in this house are large — I won't miss much. (Sings 
popidar song — dances to it. Bob at d. c, much amused) 

Bob (claps hands at end of song). Bully for you, 
that was skrumptuous. 

Anna (wheels round — sees Bob). Oh! (Goes to 

D. L.) 

Bob (crosses to l., blocks passage). Don't go yet. 
That song was great. 

Anna (brightly). You liked it? Thanks awfully. 
(Demurely) I know a lot more. Do you dance? 

Bob. I should say I do. 

Anna. Well, let's go. (Goes to Victrola r., htmts 
through records) Ye gods and salt mackerel, is this all 
you have? Operas and funeral marches, no jazz? 

Bob (goes to doors, looks out, tiptoes over to hiding 
place in wall behind bookcase). Here's a jazz — but it 
will be all up with me if mother hears it. 

Anna. Let's go. (Bob puts on record, starts music. 
Anna clears floor. Both dance. Mrs. Hamilton ap- 
pears at D. c. ; is horrified) 



That Parlor Maid 15 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. c, stops Victrola. Anna and 
Bob stop dancing. 

Mrs. Hamilton. What — does — this mean! {To 
Anna) You may go. [EXIT Anna d. r. hurriedly 

Bob (surprised) . But mother, what is the matter? 

Mrs. Hamilton (furious). Matter? You, a Hamil- 
ton, have the nerve to question me after acting this way ? 
Dancing with an ordinary parlor maid, a cheap cafe 
performer ! 

Bob (puzzled). A cheap cafe performer? A parlor 
maid? Why, I thought she was Drusilla Hopkins. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Drusilla Hopkins? To think you 
could mistake that cheap looking girl 

ENTER Estelle d. l. quickly. 

EsTELLE. Heavens, mother, what is the row about 
now? I could hear you out in the garden. 

Mrs. Hamilton (excited). Imagine! I came in here 
and found Bob dancing with that parlor maid ! 

Estelle. Oh ! 

Bob (impatient). Well, how in thunder was I to 
know it was the parlor maid ? 

Estelle. Mother! I think you ought to get rid of 
this maid. She seems to upset everyone — even Archie 
is acting queer. 

Bob (incredulous). Archie acting queer? Never, 
sister — he is only being natural. 

Estelle (gives Bob withering look)-. Mother, what 
are you going to do about it ? 

Mrs. Hamilton. What is there to be done? This is 
a jfine state of affairs — here Drusilla is on her way, and 
how would it look to her if we had no parlor maid. 
(Bob shrugs shoulders and saunters toward d. r.) 

[EXIT Bob D.R. 

Estelle (listening attitude). There is a machine 
stopping. It must be she now. (Mrs. Hamilton pats 
hair, powders nose, Estelle indifferent) 



16 That Parlor Maid 

ENTER Uncle John and Drusilla d. c. Drusilla vety 
old-fashioned in looks and dress. Estelle and Mrs. 
Hamilton exchange amused looks. 

Mrs. Hamilton (advancing). So this is little Dru- 
silla? 

Drusilla (murmurs), Mrs. Hamilton? And this? 
(Meaning Estelle) 

Mrs. Hamilton (beams). This is my little Estelle. I 
do hope you two will like one another. (All sit) 

Drusilla. Yes, that reminds me of one of my poems, 
where I quote: 

' ^ Ye meet a friend both snobbish and proud. 
Our lamentation, I assure you, is quite loud. 
But before we part, who will know 
We will be friends, instead of foes. ' ' 
(Estelle puzzled. Uncle John grins) 

Mrs. Hamilton (gushingly) . Oh, how charming! I 
have read most of your poems. 

Drusilla. Then you like them ? Everyone does. 

Uncle John (innocently) . Oh, and Drusilla can tell 
all about death and the great hereafter. 

Mrs. Hamilton. How interesting. (Rising) But 
come, dear, you will like to freshen up a bit before 
dinner. 

Drusilla (holds up hand). Just a minute, Mrs. 
Hamilton, I've got an idea! (Scribbles) You see, that 
is the way my inspirations come — like a flash. When I 
started to write some of my masterpieces I did not know 
what they were going to be 

Uncle John .(innocently). And after they were 
written how could you tell what they were? (Mrs. 
Hamilton gives Uncle furious look. Estelle conceals 
smile) 

Drusilla (superior air) . I am always inspired. 

Uncle John. Oh! 

Mrs. Hamilton (to Drusilla). Come along, dear. 
[EXIT Drusilla and Mrs. Hamilton d. r., talking 

Estelle (laughs). How could you, Uncle John? 
Wait until Bob sees her. Such an egotist. 



That Parlor Maid 17 

Uncle John. This certainly is one on Bob. 
ENTER Bob quickly at d. l. 

Bob. Hello, Uncle, has she come ? 

Uncle John. I should say she has, and some looker. 
I'll leave it to Estelle. What say you, Estelle? 

EsTELLE. I quite agree with you, Uncle. Bob dear, 
try and make yourself agreeable — because I would love 
to have her as a sister-in-law. 

Bob. Leave it to me, old girl. {Looks tlirough hooks 
on table) Where in sam hill is her book of poems? I 
suppose I ought to be familiar with at least a few of 
them. (Uncle and Estelle exchange amused looks. 
Bob reads hook. Steps Jieard outside. Bob expectant 
air. Uncle winks at Estelle) 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. r., followed hy Drusilla, 
wlio is dressed ynost unbecomingly. Bob stares at 
Drusilla, disappointed. 

Mrs. Hamilton (to Bob). So you are here. This, 
Drusilla, is my naughty boy, Bob. 

Bob {poor attempt at smiling). Eh — eh — how do 
you do? 

Drusilla {gushingly). So this is Bob. Oh, I am so 
glad to meet you. Your dear uncle has told me how 
much you enjoy my poems. I have a whole new stack 
of them — I am going to read them to you first. (Estelle 
giggles. Uncle very serious) 

Mrs. Hamilton {hurriedly) . My! that will be splen- 
did. Bob will enjoy them so much ; won't you, dear? 

Bob {gidps). Ye-yes — sure! 

Mrs. Hamilton. And won't you tell us, dear, some- 
thing about your life. It is not very often that we are 
favored with such a celebrity. 

Drusilla. No, I suppose not. My life has always 
been different from other people's — from a mere babe I 
felt that I was sent to this earth on a special mission, 
as in one of my poems : — 



18 ~^ " That Parlor Maid 

^^ To you of the common clay I say- 
It is not, I wager, that every day 
You meet a genius such as I, 
One who comes direct from God 's own sky. ' ^ 

ENTER Anna d. r. wifh tea wagon, drops cup. Uncle 
and Bob jump to pick up broken pieces, hump Jieads. 

Mrs. Hamilton (indignant). Bob! John! Anna, 
you may go. (Aside) That maid! (Anna goes to 
D. R., turns, winks and EXITS d. r. Bob arid Uncle 
John stare at d. r., hacks to other's. Mrs. Hamilton 
making the most of situation) Those two boys (Mean- 
ing Bob and Uncle) are so proud of their family that 
they steal every glance at one of our most honored an- 
cestors. (Bob and Uncle John look up at picture over 
D. R., smile and return to seats) 

Drusilla. Yes, my thoughts are always on the dead. 
I ramble for hours through our halls at home, dreaming 
of the ones gone before us, as in one of my poems : — 
' ' Oh, death ! where is thy sting, when I leave behind, 

Honor and fame to my " 

Estelle (rising). Eh, I beg your pardon — I just 
thought of a letter I have to write. [EXITS d. r. 

Uncle John. And I have to feed Fido. [EXITS d. l. 

Bob (a^D. c). And I 

Mrs. Hamilton (sweetly). Bob dear, Drusilla has 
some wonderful poems she wants to read to you, while 
I go see about dinner. 

Bob. But, mother, I 

Mrs. Hamilton (at d. r.). That's all right, dear, I'll 
attend to it. [EXITS d. r. 

Drusilla (dreamily). Oh blissful moment, when I 
can be alone with my beloved 

Bob (uncomfortahle). I — eh — eh — beg your pardon. 

Drusilla (startled). Oh, was I thinking out loud? 

Bob (desperate). Beautiful day — would you like to 
take a tramp through the woods ? 

Drusilla (perplexed). A tramp through the woods? 

Bob. Yes, I should think it would be rather refresh- 



That Parlor Maid 19 

ing for a girl of your wonderful intellect to take a tramp 
through the woods. 

Drusilla. But do you think a tramp would like to 
take a walk through the woods with a girl of my won- 
derful intellect ? 

Bob {quickly looks at Drusilla, uncertain whether 
she is joking or not). Yes — yes — Oh — how do you like 
music 1 

Drusilla. I love it when it is sad and. slow. (Bob 
puts on a mournful record. Drusilla talks louder than 
music) That reminds me of my poem : — 

' ' The mother and her son had parted, 
The grave its " 

Bob {shuts off music). Too bad that is cracked. 
{Puts on another record) 

Drusilla {dreamily). That reminds me of my 

(Bob quickly takes off record^ puts on jazz record. 
Drusilla tries to talk — music too loud. Anna appears 
at D. r. Bob rushes over to her, whirls her around stage. 
Drusilla claps hands, enjoys it. Mrs. Hamilton ap- 
pears at D. c, horrified. Drusilla rushes up to her, 
pulls her around stage) 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE.— TTie same as Act I. One week later. DIS- 
COVERED EsTELLE and Jim on couch engaged in 
earnest conversation. 

EsTELLE {stiffly). Really, Mr. Clark 



Jim. Aw, forget the Clark stuff and call me Jim. 
Do you know, Estelle, the first day I laid eyes on you I 
said to myself, '' Here is the girl for me.'' You look like 
peaches and cream to me. Of all the girls I've ever met, 
I crown you queen. 

Estelle. No, I think I had better not go. Archie 
may object. 



20 " That Parlor Maid 

Jim. Well, at least come out and see the car, it is 
some beauty. 

EsTELLE. I don't mind doing that. 

[EXIT Jim and Estelle d, c, talking 

ENTER Uncle John d. r., throws himself on couch, 
dozes. ENTER Anna d. l=, sees Uncle, tiptoes 
up to him, tickles his nose with feather-duster. Bob 
appears at d. c. and watches. Uncle jumps up, 
Anna claps haiids, runs around table, Uncle after 
her, both laughing. ENTER Bob d. c. 

Bob. Well! I'll— be 

Uncle John {stops short). Oh, hello there, Bob, 
come on in. Your mother is out so we are exercising 
a bit. (Anna goes to d. r.) 

Bob {crosses to r.). But where are you going? 
Won 't you cheer up a fellow a bit ? 

Uncle John. Poor Bob, I suppose you do need cheer- 
ing up. 

Bob. I should say I do, after having that human 
crape draped around me all day. 

Anna {laughs). Let me see, what shall I do? Of 
course, I being the parlor maid, and this being the 
parlor, I suppose it is all right for me being in here, but 
somehow your mother seems to object to my being 
sociable. 

Bob. Oh, forget what mother thinks. Come, start 
something. 

Uncle John. That's right — '' Eat, drink and be 
merry, for to-morrow we die," is my motto. 

Anna {sits on table). Well, what shall it be, a song? 

Bob. Full of pep. 

Uncle John. That's the stuff. (Anna is about to 
sing) 

ENTER Drusilla d. c. 

Drusilla {very solemn) . In the midst of life there is 
death. 

Bob {falls in chair). Ye gods! 



That Parlor Maid 21 

Uncle John. Hello there, Drusilla. Bob was just 
telling us about the wonderful new poems you have 
written. 

Drusilla (sits 7iear Bob, giggles. Bob gives Uncle 
withering look). Perhaps you too would like to hear 
them. 

Uncle John. Delighted ! 

Bob {starts victrola) . Come, let's dance. 

Drusilla {stops ynusic). Robert, I think too much of 
you to let you idle away your time in such a frivolous 
manner. You are destined for greater things. 

Uncle John. I quite agree with you. 

Drusilla. And if you will let me be your guiding 
star 

Uncle John. Deeming myself responsible for your 
welfare, Robert, I think you ought to let Drusilla lead 
you on, and on, and on. (Bob is desperate. Anna en- 
joying it) 

Drusilla. Dancing is such a waste of time, as in one 
of my poems: — ''Dance on, Dance on " 

Bob {quickly). Anna, won't you tell us some stories 
about the West ? I am sure Drusilla will enjoy them. 

Anna {sweetly). No, I would rather hear Miss Hop- 
kins recite, I enjoy her so. 

Uncle John. Yes, Drusilla, read us one of your 
saddest. (Bob is furious) 

Drusilla {stands in c. of stage, very dramatic. Re- 
cites). 

A maid and her lover were parting by the shore. 
She whispered, ' ' I shall never see you more, 
For over the ocean you are about to roam. 
And who can tell if you ever will come home.*' 

The lad in a husky voice replied, 
''Although I may travel the world wide, 
I '11 give you my word, I '11 be at your side 
When up to the altar rail we will glide." 

She waved farewell to her love, for she knew it to be 
The last on this earth he, she would ever see — 



22 That Parlor Maid 

(Anna fale sob. Uncle mock grief. Bob rolls eyes) 
So back in her cabin, alone, she grieved 

RosiE (off stage, calling), Anna! Anna! 

Anna (running to d. r.). Coming, Rosie. 

[EXITS D.R. 

Uncle John. Drusilla, that was one of the best poems 
I have ever heard. I regret I cannot stay to hear it 
finished. (Goes to d.i^.) 

Bob (rising). Hold on there a minute, Uncle, I'll be 
wirh you. 

Uncle John (sweetly). Oh, do not bother, Bob, .you 
stay right here with Drusilla. [EXITS d. l. 

Drusilla. It is lamentable that they had to go just 
now, because the best of my poem is yet to come. Where 
was I ? Oh, yes — The lover 

Bob. Say, wouldn't you like to work up an appetite 
for dinner? 

Drusilla. Oh, but I wanted to recite to you. 

Bob. Come along, we will finisJi it outside. ^ (Dru- 
silla takes Bob's arm. Looks lovingly up into Ms face) 

[EXIT Bob and Drusilla d. l. 

ENTER Anna d. r., singing, 'dusts, arranges cJiairs, etc. 

Archie (at d. c. nervous) . Oh — I — eh — eh 

Anna (dances up to Mm). Come in, old dear; it is 
ages since I last saw your solemn face. 

Archie. I beg your pardon — you know — ^will you — 
have you 

Anna. Archie dear, I have another good story to tell. 
Now listen. A lady went into a department store one 
day and asked for silk. When it was placed in front of 
her, she exclaimed, *'0h, really, I must be mad, I want 
mus-lin.'* On hearing this, a little boy, standing near by, 
rushed out of the store, ran up to an officer, shrieking. 
** There is a lady in that shop who has gone mad, she 
wants muzzling (muslin)." (Archie stares at Anna, 
does not get joke. Ai<iN a rolls eyes) Impossible! Say, 
old Solomon Grundy, do you know that Jim is making 
love to Estelle? 



That Parlor Maid 23 

Archie. By Jove, is he ? 

Anna. By Jove, he is. What are you going' to do 
about it 1 

Archie. Why, why, what can 1 do! 

Anna. Answer me this. Are you in love with 
Estelle? 

Archie. In love with — eh — Estelle, did you say ? 

Anna. You heard me right, old top. 

Archie. Well — eh — eh — 1 am — eh — beastly fond of 
her, don't you know. 

Anna. No, I don't know. That is why I am asking 
you, are you in love with her? 

Archie. Love, love "? I guess I am ! 

Anna. For the love of Pete, wake up ! There you let 
a fine girl like Estelle be vamped away from you by 
a 

Archie. Vamped? I do not quite understand, by 
Jove. 

Anna. Yes, vamped; this Jim is going to steal Estelle 
away from you, if you don't wake up. 

Archie. Steal her? By Jove, eh — eh — I shall have 
to put in a burglar alarm. 

Anna (eyes Archie up and down). Say, how would 
you like to be a cave man? 

Archie. A — a — what ? 

Anna. A cave man. (Estelle appears at d. c, un- 
noticed hy Archie and Anna) 

Archie. Beastly dirty, don't you know. I could 
never live in a hole. 

Anna. This is what I mean. Go up to this Jim, 
shake your fist in his face, the first time he opens his 
mouth bang him in the eye (Demonstrates), then grab 
a hold of Estelle like this (Arm. around his waist) and 
dash 

ENTER Estelle d. c. 

Estelle. Ahem ! I beg your pardon for intruding — 
(Anna quick EXIT d. r.) I am sorry to have spoiled 
your little 



24 That Parlor Maid 

Archie (bewilder ed). B-but — my dear, I — you — 
we — eh — - 

EsTELLE {haughtily). Of course, it is all right; we 
understand one another perfectly, but kindly choose some 
one else besides that parlor maid to make love to. 

Archie. Really, Estelle, you — are — eh — eh, all 

EsTELLE. Understand, please, I am not at all jealous — 
but you see, a servant is not just 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton, Mr. a7id Mrs. Jones d. c. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Estelle dear, I was just telling Mrs. 
Jones about your engagement to Archie, 

Mrs. Jones. Such a happy union, yours is going to 
be, isn't it, Cecil? 

Mr. Jones. Yes, my dear. 

Estelle. Archie and I were just making a few plans 
for the future. {All sit) 

Mrs. Hamilton. I hear that Helen Peters is going to 
be married. Who is the lucky man? 

Mr. Jones. Her father. {All laugh) 

Mrs. Jones. Cecil will have his little jokes. Of 
course I would be the last person in the world to talk 
about anyone, but do you know, I heard that Mr. Smith 
was seen in a cafe the other night with a blonde woman ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. Shocking! 

Estelle. The idea ! 

Archie. Beastly rotten! 

Mrs. Jones. You understand I am not saying any- 
thing against them, but that same night, Mrs. Smith and 
that man 

ENTER RosiE, rushing in d. r., hands and face smeared 
with flour. 

RosiE {talks quickly). Mrs. Hamilton, I give notice 
right now — I will not cook and slave and have that com- 
mon parlor maid come behind my back and steal the pie 
that I had cooked for dinner. I have put up with her 



That Parlor Maid 25 

long enough, I go right away. (Mrs. Jones haughtily 
eyes Rosie up and down) 

Mrs. Hamilton {forced sweetness). There, there, 
Rosie, go back to the kitchen; everything will be all 
right. 

Rosie. All right, is it ? and she making love to 

Mrs. Hamilton. There, there, Rosie. {Trying to 
push Rosie toward d. r.) 

Rosie {angrily). And she a cheap cabaret singer. I 
will go to 

Mrs. Hamilton {forced laugh). Yes, yes, Rosie, very 
funny, very funny. 

Rosie. Funny, is it? Did you think it very funny 
when she 

Mrs. Hamilton. There, there, Rosie. {Filially gets 
her to D. R., pushing her out) [EXIT Rosie d. r. 

Mrs. Hamilton {forced smile). Rosie is so funny, 
she gets such ideas into her head. Oh ! Mrs. Jones, did I 
tell you Drusilla Hopkins is visiting us ? 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, how wonderful it must be to have 
a genius living with you, must it not, Cecil 1 

Mr. Jones. No — eh — I mean yes, my dear. 

Mrs. Jones. You see, Cecil and I get along so well 
together for the simple reason I ask his opinion on 
everything. 

Archie. Very good idea. 

Mrs. Jones. Is she anything like her poems? Of 
course I would be the last person to say anything, but 
they say poets are a little queer. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Oh, my dear, Drusilla is just a 
sweet, unassuming young girl — well-mannered and 

ENTER Drusilla d. r., eating pie — all stare. 

Mrs. Hamilton {forced smile). This is dear little 
Drusilla. 

Drusilla {finishes pie). Yes, I am Drusilla Hopkins, 
the poet. {To Mrs. and Mr. Jones) You have read some 
of my wonderful poems ? 



26 That Parlor Maid 

Mrs. Jones {beaming). Yes indeed we have. Didn't 
we enjoy them, Cecil? 

Mr. Jones. No — eh — I mean, yes, my dear. 

Drusilla {bored air). I knew you must have enjoyed 
them — everyone does. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Now, Drusilla, won 't you recite some 
of your poems for us ? 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, do ! 

Drusilla. I shall recite "The Encareotta Sublimity 
of the Dead." 

Mrs. Hamilton. Charming! 

Mrs. Jones. Delightful. 

Drusilla {very dramatic). 

* ' I Avas prowling one day in the graveyard, 
My thoughts were busily on the dead. 
When like a roll of thunder " 

Archie {bursts out laugMng. Mr. Jones, who has 
been sleeping, jumps up. All stare at Archie). Ha, 
ha, ha ! She wants mus-lin. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. W-why — Archie!!! 

Mrs. Jones {horrified). Does he take fits? 

Archie {still laughing). She, she — wants — mus-lin 
(muzzling). Ha! Ha! HA!! 

EsTELLE. Archie ! ! What is the matter Avith you ! 
What are you laughing at ? 

Archie. W-why — nothing — it's just a joke — you see, 
a woman 

EsTELLE {rising). Come, Archie, let's talk a walk to 
cool off. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Very good idea! (Mr. Jones re- 
sumes his slumber) 
[EXIT EsTELLE and Archie d. c. Archie still laughing 

Drusilla {sobs). To think I should put myself out 
to come here, to be insulted. 

Mrs. Hamilton. No, no, dear; Archie did not refer 
to you. It was just a joke he had heard. (To Drusilla) 
Come, dear; dry your pretty eyes and continue your 
recitation. 

Drusilla. ^ ' I was prowling one day in ' ' {Loud 



That Parlor Maid 27 

noise heard outside. Fido rushes into room from d. r. 
upsetting chairs and table. Anna after hwi, laughing. 
Much confusion as dog and Anna EXIT d. l. Mr. 
Jones lets out loud snore. All gasp) 

Mrs. Jones (shakes Mr. Jones) . Cecil ! Cecil ! ! 

Mr. Jones [jumps up). No — eh — Yes, my dear. 

Mrs. Jones {angrily). There are times when you 
need a self starter to wake you up. 

Mr. Jones (aside). Not when I have a crank like you 
to get me going. 

Mrs. Jones (sharply). What — what did you say? 

Mr. Jones (meekly). Nothing, nothing, my dear. 

Drusilla (very solemn). In the midst of life there is 
death. 

Anna (at d. c. r.). Dinner is served. 

Mrs. Hamilton (puts arm around Drusilla). Come, 
dear, I want you to meet some more of your admirers. 
(All EXIT D. c. Mrs. Hamilton and Drusilla lead. 
Mr. and Mrs. Jones follow, Mrs. Jones talking angrily, 
Mr. Jones very repentant) 

ENTER D. R. Uncle John, on tiptoes. Crosses to D. l. 
Calls ''Fido." 

Uncle John (to Fido). Well, old top, at last they 
have gone in to dinner. They are good for at least an 
hour in there. (Makes self comfortable on couch, smokes 
pipe) 

ENTER Anna d. l., dancing in. 

Anna (to Uncle). Hello there, why aren't you in 
there? (Meaning dining-room) 

Uncle John. Much more comfortable here. (Laugh- 
ter heard outside) 

Anna. Listen ! ! They seem to be having a good 
time. 

Uncle John. Do you know I sometimes think life 
would be quite bearable were it not for its pleasures. I 



28 That Parlor Maid 

bet there is more than one person in there wishes 
Drusilla Hopkins — well — eh — I am too much of a gen- 
tleman to say where. 

Anna. She is funny, isn't she? To-night I thought 
Mrs. Hamilton would have a complete collapse. Drusilla 
was in the midst of one of her most gruesome speeches 
when Fido rushed into the room and I after him. Oh! 
when I think of the expression on Mrs. Hamilton's face. 
(Uncle joins in hearty laughter) 

ENTER Bob d. c. disgusted. Brightens wheii he sees 
Anna, crosses over to couch, sits between Uncle 
and Anna. 

Bob. Thank goodness, I got out of there alive, whew ! 

Uncle John (crosses over, sits on other side of Anna). 
How did you make your get-away 1 

Bob. Oh, I arranged that all right. Of all the pests 
Drusilla Hopkins is the worst. 

Anna. The idea, talking about that dear sweet girl in 
that manner, and your mother so anxious to make a 
match between you. 

Bob. If Drusilla Hopkins was the last woman on 
earth I Avould not marry her. 

Uncle John. Why don't you give her a chance? 
Perhaps you do not know the real Drusilla ; maybe under 
the veneer of all this sob stufp she is quite human. 

Bob. Well then, I would rather you make the dis- 
covery. I am through with her. 

Anna (aside; ivinks at Uncle). Come, come, Bobbie, 
perhaps if you knew the real Drusilla you would fall 
madly in love with her. 

Bob (laughs). Madly in love with Drusilla Hopkins. 
Ha, ha, ha! Say, this is rich. 

Uncle John. I think Drusilla Hopkins is one of the 
sweetest, jolliest little girls in the world ! 

Bob. Uncle! I am greatly disappointed in you. T 
always gave you credit for knowing how to pick the 
ladies ; now my choice would be {Looks at Anna) 



That Parlor Maid 29 

ENTER Archie d. c, utterly exhausted; Imiply falls 
in chair. 

Archie. Of all the beastly pests this — eh — eh — 
Drusilla Hopkins is the limit, don 't you know. 

Bob. Why, Archie, I am surprised at you. I thought 
you liked a good story. 

Archie (surprised) . Good story? But, old top, her 
stories are all of the lower region, you know, old bean, 
life is too jolly to think too seriously of the 

ENTER Mr. Jones d. c, very much upset; drops in 

chair. 

Mr. Jones. As a rule I can stand most any woman 
talking, as I usually fall asleep, but oh ! ! — that Hopkins ' 
person — whew!! {All join in laughter) 

Bob. Come, Anna, let's put some life into this spirit 
meeting; we have been with the dead long enough. 

Anna. Do you think it safe ? They may hear us. 

Bob {crosses to d. c. and looks out). No need to 
worry. Drusilla is still amusing them. They pretend 
they are so interested in her talk, they wouldn't dare 
hear us. 

Anna. Then let's go. (Anna puts on a lively record. 
Bob and Anna dance. Uncle John sings and stamps 
his feet to the music. Archie and Mr. Jones are en- 
gaged in undertone conversation. Every now and then 
Mr. Jones hursts out laughing at something Archie is 
telling him) 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. c, gasping, followed hy Mrs. 
Jones who falls in chair, overcome, at seeing her 
husband. Estelle is very indignant. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Well! What does this mean? 
(Bob quickly turns off record. Uncle grins. EXIT 
Anna at d. r., very quickly) 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I '11— be 



30 That Parlor Maid 

ENTER Drusilla d. c, very soulful expression, 

Drusilla (very dramatic). 

' ' And into the house of mirth 
Death creeps in unseen by all 
And there spread all over the earth 
Thirst, hunger, disaster, to make men fall. 

'*Hear ye not the trumpet of death 
All ye that make merry to-day, 

The angel of death hovers " 

Archie {he and Mr. Jones still ignorant of new ar- 
rivals in room). Come, come, quick, there's a girl gone 
mad, she wants muslin mus-lin. {He and Mr. Jones 
laugh-loudly. Uncle John and Bob turyi back to audi- 
ence, shoulders shake with laughter. Drusilla looks 
from one to the other, uncertain what it all means) 

Mrs. Hamilton {overcome). Well — I — I — be 

Mrs. Jones. Cecil ! ! ! 

Estelle. Archie!!! (Archie and Mr. Jones turn 
quickly, stare with eyes and mouths open) 

CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Acts I and II. Next moriiing. 
DISCOVERED Mrs. Hamilton sitting near table. 
Uncle John reclining on couch smoking, and Bob 
resting elbow on bookcase. 

Mrs. Hamilton. To say the least, I think it was an 
outrage the way you acted last night. 

Uncle John. But Meg, it was 

Mrs. Hamilton {stamps foot). Don't you dare talk 
to me. I should think a man of your age would set an 
example instead of being a party to such behavior. 



That Parlor Maid 31 

Uncle John {shrugs shoulders), I fail to see where 
the disgraceful behavior came in. 

Mrs. Hamilton {furious). Hear the man talk, you, 
a Hamilton, associating with that parlor maid. I can 
expect most anything from you, but to inveigle Bob 
into such 

Uncle John. Really, Margaret, aren't you going a 
bit too far? I should judge Bob old enough to 

Bob. Yes, just because a girl is pretty and jolly, all 
you women condemn her. Why, Anna is as sweet as 

Mrs. Hamilton. Enough, young man! This sweet 
young person goes to-day. How you could enjoy that 
girl's company when such a brilliant young girl as 
Drusilla Hop 

Bob. Oh! Forget Drusilla Hopkins ! ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. Bob ! ! I am surprised at you I 

[EXITS D. c, furious 

Bob. See, it is just as I told you. Anna must go, and 
this Drusilla — {Makes wry face) You introduced her 
here, Uncle. I should think you \^ould do something to 
console me for playing such a mean trick. 

Uncle John {sighs). I suppose I ought to pay the 
penalty, but what can I do? {Thinks) Ha, ha, I have 
it! Why don't you marry Anna? 

Bob. Uncle, are you ever afraid of being inflicted 
with brain fever? You do think of such brilliant ideas. 
Say, don't you think I've thought of that myself? Why, 
ever since I laid eyes on Anna — well — it was a case of 
love at first sight, Uncle. Have you ever seen such 
wonderful eyes, such beautiful hair? And when she 
smiles — aw — hang it — I love her. 

Uncle John. I repeat, why don't you marry her? 

Bob. Can you not see the house of Hamilton tum- 
bling down around my ears if I should marry a servant? 
But of course, that does not bother me in the least. I 
love her, and she loves me. 

Uncle John. Great Scott ! Well, what's holding you 
back? 

Bob. She refuses to marry me on the grounds that 



32 That Parlor Maid 

my folks are too rich, and they would object to her. 
(Uncle John goes to all doors, makes sure no one is in 
sight. Bob looks at Mm in astonishment) Why,. why, 
what is 

Uncle John. Sh, sh, come here. (Bob crosses over to 
him) I have a great secret to impart to you. Every 
family has a skeleton and our family is no exception. 
Your great, great, great grandfather loved a fisherman's 
daughter — but she also refused to marry him on account 
of his riches, so one night he, and a party of young men 
dressed as bandits, entered the little fishing town — caus- 
ing much havoc — and your great, great, great grand- 
father forced his way into his sweetheart's cabin, and 
carried his beloved to the preacher's where they were 
made man and wife. 

Bob. Do you mean to tell me that great, great, great 
grandmother of whom mother is so proud, was only a 
fisherman 's daughter ? 

Uncle John. Yes, she was quite a beauty, and before 
a year had passed she became a general favorite. Of 
course I would not say that you could force Anna to 
marry you. 

Bob. By Jove, I think I will try it. If one of my 
ancestors did it, why can 't I ? 

Uncle John. This ancestor of yours was big and 
strong. 

Bob. Well — I — like — your — nerve. I '11 show you. 

Uncle John (at d. c, laughs). I wish you luck — you 
know ''faint heart ne'er won fair lady." But believe 
me, there is many a man who wishes he had not been 
so courageous. [EXITS d. c. 

Bob. Uncle John is not such a bad sort after all. 
(About to EXIT D. l. when Drusilla ENTERS d. l. 
rushing in and almost upsets Bob, ivho groans) 

Drusilla (giggling). Ah!! My most honored one, I 
would have a talk with you. 

Bob. Sorry, but I have a very important engage- 
ment. 

Drusilla (pulls Bob over to eouch). Come, my be- 



That Parlor Maid 33 

loved, sit beside me. (Sighs) Oh! If the Lord had 
made me a man 

Bob. Don't give up hope; perhaps he did, but you 
haven't met him yet. 

Drusilla {giggles). Oh, but I have. I am not an 
ordinary sort of a girl. 1 do not fall in love with every 
man I meet 

Bob {aside). Good reason why — she never got the 
chance. 

Drusilla. But you, you are different — I am con- 
vinced that you are the man for me 



Bob {uncomfortable) . I say — now 



Drusilla. Bob, most men do not like the silly sort of 
a girl. 

Bob. No, I don't — but then there are some men who 
might enjoy you. 

Drusilla {dreamily). Yes, most men do like me — I 
hold sort of a fascination (Bob quietly EXITS d. r.) it 
is a curious fact {Suddenly stops talking, looks around 
stage for Bob, discovers he has gone — goes to d. c.) 
Well— if— that [EXITS d. c. 

ENTER Anna d. r., singing; dusts, arranges chairs, etc. 
Archie ENTERS d. l. Goes to table, picks up book, 
glances through it. He is the picture of gloom. 

Anna (to Archie) . What under the sun is the matter 
with you? All day you have been moping around the 
house as though you might have lost your last friend. 

Archie {sighs). Worse than that, by Jove! Estelle 
refuses to see me ; she insists that I left the dinner table 
last night in order to come in here to be with you. 

Anna. How ridiculous! 

Archie (sighs). So I've told her. 

Anna (dryly). Thanks. 

Archie. Do you know I feel so blooming blue to-day, 
I wish I had never been born. 

Anna (yawning) . Why, Archie, how queer! I was 
just thinking the same thing. 



34 That Parlor Maid 

Archie. Really, I will go quite mad, don't you know, 
if Estelle throws me over. 

Anna. Why don't you assert your manhood, that is 
if you have any, why that Jim pei^on is 

Archie. Anna, did you ever wish you were a man ? 

Anna. No, did you ? 

Archie. Why — why — what do you mean — I am, 
don 't you know. 

Anna {innocently). Oh, to look at you one would 
never think it. (Angrily) You deserve to have her 
taken from you. You remind me of a lady going from 
home one day, locked everything up well, and for the 
grocer's benefit wrote on a card "All out — don't leave 
anything." This she stuck on the front door. On 
her return home she found the house ransacked and on 
her door was pinned a note, "Thanks — I haven't left 
much. ' ' 

Archie. Decently nice of the chappie to leave the 
note, don 't you know. 

Anna. Impossible! {Meaning Archie) 

Archie. But, Estelle, my Estelle, that man will take 
her and what can I do ? 

Anna. Do ? Why, when you see them together go up 
to him, grab him by the 

Archie (going to d. c). I am heart-broken, mv 
Estelle. [EXITS d. c. 

Anna (falls in chair). Whew! Well, I sincerely 
hope Jim does get her. That Archie is so 

ENTER Bob d. l., rushes over to Anna. 

Bob. Thank God you are still here. I've been 
searching all over the house for you. 

Anna. Dear me, what for? 

Bob. Mother says you are to go, therefore you must 
marry me. 

Anna. Bob dear, I am sorry to have to go through 
all this again — I cannot marry you — we belong to dif- 
ferent classes. 



That Parlor Maid 35 

Bob. What do I care for class distinction. {Much 
excited) I repeat, will you marry me quietly, or will I 
have to use force? 

Anna {archly). Oh, Bob!! You wouldn't steal me, 
would you ? 

Bob {passionately). Oh, wouldn't I? It is either 
yes or no. Come — Hurry — What is it ? 

Anna {pretending) . Oh, dear, you frighten me so. 

Bob {coming nearer). Well, what is it? 

Anna, Bob, you act so queer, I am afraid. No — 

what would your mother (Bob ties handkerchief 

loosely over Anna's mouth; it slips often. Anna holds 
it over mouth, calls for help in a weak voice. Bob drags 
her gently to d. l. Anna winks at audience. Bob very 
determined looking. EXIT Anna and Bob d. l.) 

ENTER Jim d. c, rushing in very much excited, 

Jim. Estelle!! {Sees room empty) Oh, hang it, I 
told her I would meet her here. I hope she isn 't going to 
back out. (ENTER Estelle d. c. very nervous. She is 
dressed in street attire. Jim rushes to her) Estelle!! 
Girl, what a fright you gave me — I thought you were 
going to 

Estelle. Jim — I can't — I can't {Covers face 

with hands) 

Jim {tries to put arms around Estelle — she moves to 
one side). After we have it all settled — now you are 
going to 

Estelle {sobs). Oh, please — I thought I could go 
through with it — b-but — I don't — ^love — you — I don't 
want to marry you. 

Jim {sneers). You don't want to marry me because 
you don 't love me I And still you were going to marry 
Archie. 

Estelle. Oh please, please ! 

Jim. You can't make me believe you love that weak- 
kneed jelly-fish. 

Estelle {stamps foot). How dare you! I will not 
listen to such talk. 



36 That Parlor Maid 

> 

Jim (goes closer to Estelle, who moves away Jroni, 
him). I tell you — you will marry me — you 

EsTELLE (shrieks). I will not. (Jim rushes up to 
her — is about to grab her when Archie ENTERS d. c, 
takes in situation an instant, rushes over to Jim, grabs 
him by the collar, flings him aside. Jim furious, is about 
to come back at Archie, but seeing his threatening atti- 
tude thinks better of it, makes quick EXIT d. c. Estelle 
looks with admiration at Archie) 

Archie (suddenly bursts out laughing). I didn't 
leave anything. 

EsteiajE (downcast eyes) . Archie! 

Archie (dusting suit). Beastly rotten chap, wasn't 
he ? Are you all right, Estelle 1 

Estelle (demurely). Y-yes — thanks. 

Archie. Then I will go. (Goes to d. r.) 

Estelle (murmurs). Archive. Do — Don't leave me. 

Archie (surprised). I — thought after the rotten 
thing I did last night, you 

Estelle (sobs). Archie — wo-won't — you forgive me ? 

Archie. Forgive you? Why — why (All of a sudden 
it dawns on him) you — you do not mean to say you — 
you love me? 

Estelle. Y-yes. 

Archie (at Estelle 's side in a bound). By Jove, this 
is ripping! When did you first realize you first loved 
me? 

Estelle (sobs). I — I — think — I must (sob) have al- 
ways loved you. 

Archie (gently). There, there, dear. 

Estelle (mischievously). But, I knew I loved you 
yesterday, when I argued with Marie White when she 
said you (Archie expectant) didn't know enough to 
come in out of the rain. 

Archie. Estelle, you — you — will always be my pro- 
tector? 

Estelle (murmurs).. Yes, dear, (Sighs) T am so 
^appy- (Screams heard off stage. Estelle and Archie 
much startled) 



That Parlor Maid 37 

ENTER Mrs. Hamilton d. c. rushing madly m, waving 
telegram. 

EsTELLE. Mother ! Mother ! what is it 1 

Mrs. Hamilton (screams). Take it — read it. {Waves 
telegram, walks up and down stage) Oh, dear! Oh, 
dear ! 

EsTELLE {holding out telegram). Here, Archie, you 
read it. 

Archie {opens telegram nervously). By Jove! this is 
awful — listen, Estelle — "Will be on my way home with 
wife, Anna, when this reaches you. Bob. ' ' 

Estelle {perplexed) . Anna, Anna who? 

Mrs. Hamilton {shrieks). Anna^ — that parlor maid — 
Oh dear — Oh dear. 

Estelle {falls in chair, stunned). Oh! 

Archie. By Jove ! this is terrible — terrible ! 

ENTER Drusilla d. c, dressed for journey, valise in 

hand. 

Mrs. Hamilton {gasps). But dear Drusilla, where 
are you going ? 

Drusilla {very solemn). I am going home where I 
will find solace in the ancient halls — confiding my heart- 
ache to the ghostlike presence of those gone before. 

Mrs. Hamilton. But dear 

Drusilla. No persuasion on your partj Mrs. Hamil- 
ton, will be strong enough to hold me here. Bob led 
me to believe he cared for me. {Very dramatic) Ah ! but 
I shall rise above this. Drusilla Hopkins was not made to 
pine over mere trifles — I have been sent to this earth on 
a special mission — I shall place my own feelings in the 
background and think of the great mass of people wait- 
ing for my poems. {Picks up hag, very solemnly hacks 
to D. c.) Farewell, dear friends. Farewell! (Estelle 
and Archie look at one another and hurst into hearty 
laughter) [EXIT Drusilla d. c. 

Mrs. Hamilton {angrily). I fail to see what there is 



38 That Parlor Maid 

funny about this state of affairs. Wliat will Drusilla 
think! 

ENTER Uncle John d. r. whistling. Stops sliort on 
seeing Mrs. Hamilton. 

Uncle John. How do, Meg. Nice day to-day. 

Mrs. Hamilton {in rage). John Hamilton, how dare 
you speak to me ! You let that parlor maid lure my poor 
boy into marrying her. 

EsTELLE. Oh, this is terrible, Uncle. What will so- 
ciety think? 

Uncle {innocently) . Poor Bob. 

Mrs. Hamilton. And Drusilla has left feeling very 
much hurt. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! 

Uncle John. I shall overtake Drusilla and bring her 
back. [EXITS d. l. 

ENTER Bob d. l., very much excited. 

Bob. Mother. I have brought my wife home. Will 
you welcome her ? 

Mrs. Hamilton {gasping for breath). How dare you 
bring that girl into this house? Take her away — take 
her away — I — icill — not — see — her. 

Bob {appeals to Estelle). Will you welcome her as 
a sister? 

Estelle {head in air). I have my social position to 
think of. 

Archie. Ah, come, Estelle, be a sport!! (Estelle 
gives him witliering look) 

Bob {ai d. l., angrily). Very well, I will show you 
that I am capable of taking care of myself and my \\dfe. 
{Snaps fingers) That for your social position. I will 
not come to you again. (7s about to EXIT d. l. when 
he is stopped by Uncle John) 

ENTER Uncle John, d. l. 
Uncle John (grinning). Well, folks, I was able to 



That Parlor Maid 39 

persuade Drusilla to return. Shall I bring her in? 
(EsTELLE and Archie roll eyes. Bob atteynpts to pass 
Uncle John but Uncle blocks his passage) 

Mrs. Hamilton {foxed smile). Yes, do. 

Uncle John {opens d. l., calls). Drusilla! (ENTER 
Anna d. l., she comes in demurely. Mrs. Hamilton 
horrified. Uncle John bowing low) This {Meaning 
Anna) is dear Drusilla come back to us once more ! 

Mrs. Hamilton {angrily). John, there is a time and 
place for all jokes. {To Anna) I would appreciate it 
if 

Bob {crosses over to Anna). Come, Anna, let's get 
out of here, since my folks 

Anna {holds up hand). Just a minute, Bob. {To 
Mrs. Hamilton) / am Drusilla Hopkins. {All stare at 
Anna) 

Mrs. Hamilton {gasps). Why, what does this mean? 
If you are Drusilla Hopkins, who is the Drusilla we have 
been entertaining? 

Uncle John {grins). An imposter. 

Anna. She is my cousin, Mildred Harris. (Mrs. 
Hamilton looks from Anna to Uncle John, then back 
again — suddenly she drops in chair laughing heartily. 
All exchange bewildered looks) 

Estelle {crosses over to mother). Mother dear, what 
is the matter ? 

Mrs. Hamilton {tries to control laughter). Well, if 
Mildred Harris is not an exact counterpart of her 
mother, I am not Mrs. Hamilton. 

Estelle {surprised). Why, mother, do you know 
Mildred's mother? 

Mrs. Hamilton {laughs). I should say I do. We 
were schoolgirls together, and many a lark she double- 
crossed me in, just as Mildred has. {All look at Mrs. 
Hamilton i7i q u iringly ) 

Anna {surprised) . But, Mrs. Hamilton, you knew I 
was not Marj^'s friend ! ! 

Mrs. Hamilton {laughing). Indeed I did not — I 
honestly thought you were Mary's friend, a parlor maid. 



40 That Parlor Maid 

Anna. Well, goodness knows I should have known 
better — Mildred is forever double-crossing people in this 
way. (Anna and Mrs. Hamilton stare at one another. 
Both hurst out laughing) 

Bob (impatiently). I say, why all this mystery stuff? 
Let's in on it. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Well, folks, that was once I put 
something over on you— I knew all along that Drusilla 
was an imposter. I planned the whole affair. 

EsTELLE and Bob. Mother ! you what ! ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. At the literary club one day, we 
were wondering if people of to-day could be taken in as 
easily as in former years. After many arguments, it 
was finally agreed upon that the member having suc- 
cessfully hoodwinked the largest number of people in 
the funniest way with a most unexpected ending, would 
be the honored guest at a banquet to be held in the best 
hotel in New York. I think I have won the bet. 

EsTELLE. But tell us, mother, how did you plan it 1 

Mrs. Hamilton (smiles). For years I have been cor- 
responding with Mildred's mother. Naturally I wrote 
and told her of our arguments at the club, and of the 
bet that was on. Mildred also read the letter. In a very 
short time I received a note from Mildred telling me of 
her plan to help me win the bet. Knowing that we were 
all great admirers of Drusilla Hopkins' works, she pro- 
posed coming here impersonating Drusilla. (To Anna) 
Now you go on with the story. 

Anna (syniles). Mildred and I are quite chummy 
down home, and when she told me of her intentions I 
helped her out all I could. 

Mrs. Hamilton. What I want to know is, how did 
you happen to come here as Mary 's friend ? 

Anna (puzzled). Mildred led me to believe that that 
was all in the plan. 

Mrs. Hamilton (slowly). No — I — never — mentioned 
Mary to her. 

Archie (adjusting monocle). Say. this is ripping. 

Anna. I naturally thought you did; she seemed to 



That Parlor Maid 41 

know so much about Mary^s absence on account of her 
mother's illness. 

Uncle John {steps forth, grinning). Well, Meg, you 
thought you put one over on me. {Laughs) Mildred 
wrote to me and told me of the whole affair and I sug- 
gested to get the real Drusilla (Anna) to take Mary's 
place for a few days. 

Mrs. Hamilton {smiles). But what about the letter 
I received from Mary telling me she was sending her 
friend? 

Uncle John. I took care of that also. I obtained 
Mary's address from Rosie, then I wrote to Mary, en-< 
closed $25, told her she need not report back to work 
until sent for and to follow out my instruction — namely, 
to write and send that letter to you. 

Mrs. Hamilton {falls in chair overcome). Well — I — 
never ! ! 

Bob {laughs). Well, mother, the tables are turned. 

Archie. By Jove — this — is — jolly fine. 

EsTELLE {laughs). In all my days I never heard of 
such double-crossing. (Bob goes to d. c, is about to 
exit) 

Anna {goes up to Bob). Dear, where are you going? 

Bob. You do not want me ! I suppose our marriage 
was in the plan also. (Anna looks at Bob reproachfully) 

Uncle John {sharply). Don't be a fool. Bob — your 
marriage was the only genuine thing in this whole 
affair. 

Bob {to Anna). Do — do — you really love me — 
Drusilla? 

A^^Pl {downcast eyes) . Yes — dear. 

Bob. Now, mother, will you welcome — my — wife? 

Mrs. Hamilton. Indeed I gladly shall. {Goes up to 
Anna, kisses her) 

Bob {to Estelle). And you, Sis? 

EsTELLE {kisses Anna). Forgive us, dear, for having 
been so snobbish. 

Mrs. Hamilton {laughing). At last, John, I have 
found out from whom you have been receiving those 



42 That Parlor Maid 

scented letters for the past six months. {Shakes finger 
playfully at Uncle John. All laugh at Uncle) 

Uncle John {goes to d. c, flings it open. Mildred 
(alias Drusilla) dressed very chic stands in doorway. 
Uncle John bowing low, introducing Mildred). My 
wife of six months. {All stare at Mildred and Uncle 
John unbelievingly) 

Archie {in high voice). By the way, Anna, now that 
you are Drusilla Hopkins will you go around all day re- 
citing? 

Anna. Indeed not. {Dances over to Victrola) What 
will it be, folks? A jazz? {Lively music played. Bob 
and Anna dance. Mrs. Hamilton, Estelle and Uncle 
John gather around Mildred, laughing and talking) 

Archie {bursts out laughing). They — all — want — 
muslin ! {All look at Archie and laugh) 



QUICK CURTAIN 



NOTICE 

Fraternal and Secret Societies 

"INITIATION STUNTS" 

By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 
Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 

Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 

Slogans and Mottoes 

Greek Letter Societies 

Reason for Rough-House Initiation 

Yells 

Songs 

Pledge Stunts 

Fraternity Toast 

Part 11 

Greek Letter Fraternities 

Side Degree "Eta Phi Mu" 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 

Miscellaneous Yells 

Banquet Toasts 

Hazing the Obstreperous 

Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey St., New York 



NEW PLAYS 

^THAT PARLOR MAID. 25 cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by Helen 
C. Clifford. 5 male, 6 female characters, i interior scene. Time, about 1% hours*- 
Anna, who thinks a parlor maid's duty is in the parlor amusing the guests, wins the 
favor of all, while Drusilla, a poetess, drives everybody to desperation. Mrs. 
Haynilton^ who wants her son Bob to marry a girl of high social standing, is horribly 
shocked when a telegram arrives announcing the elopement oi Bob Sindi^'- That Parlor 
Maid.'''' Mrs. Hamilton atid Uncle John''s schemes and all the double crossing is not 
cleared until the final curtain. Every part good. 

•HAPPINESS AT LAST. 25 cents. Comedy in 3 acts, by J. L. Shute 
and Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters, i interior scene. Time, lY^ hours. 
Mary realizes that Uncle John must stay single while she, her sister and aunt remain 
parasites. To help her uncle she determines on a career forherself. A harmless 
flirtation which almost becomes serious andtheperplexingsitaations which are brought 
about by Marys schemes to marry off her aunt and sister are very funny indeed. 

•FOUR ADVENTURERS^Thc. 2S cents, a comedy in i act, by 
Katharine Kavanaugh. 4 female characters. 1 interior scene, very simple. Time, 
30 minutes. An amateur artist, cook, author, and singer have decided to slick to their 
careersbecaiise they think itis Bohemian, although they are nearly starving. Virginia 
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•FRIENDLY TIP, A* 25 cents. A playlet in x act, by Katharine 
Kavanaugh. i male, 3 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, 30 minutes. 
Jim calls on Jean., a former sweetheart, and tells her of his monotonous married life. 
The clever scheme by which y^rt« brings back the love to a husband and vife who are 
drifting apart is told in the play. Every part good. 

•IT AINT MY FAULT. 25 cents. A comedy in i act, by Katharine 
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•IMPORTANCE OF PAM, 25 cents. Comedy in 3 acts, by Beulah 
King. 4 males, 5 females, i interior. Time, about ij^ hours, y^frj. 6'^d?'df<?« is depend- 
ing entirely upon the talents and brilliant matches of her two eldest daughters to 
replenish the coffers of the family fortune, which have dwindled to nothing. She 
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comes to the rescue much to the surprise of all and the family is once again re- 
established. 

•PAPER CAVALIER. 25 cents. Comedy in 2 acts, by Beulah 
King. 2 males, 4 females, i interior. Time, about 1 hour. Cecile, a very lively 
and beautiful girl is exiled to the Castle of Drearidum to hold her aloof from any 
suitors. Notwithstanding all precautions of her woman-hating guardian uncle, she 
manages to make her escape in a very novel manner which leads up to a very exciting 
climax. A clever sketch highly recommended for schools. 

•WIGGINS OF POP-OVER FARM. 25 cents. Rural Comedy, 
drama in 4 acts, by Howard P. Taylor, ii males, 4 females (by doubling, 8 males 
and 4 females), i interior, and 2 exteriors. Time, about 2 hours. A play somewhat on 
the lines of " Z'/^fi' Old Homestead,'''' telling of the experiences of Sim, the runaway 
son, accused of robbery and fully exonerated through the efforts of Speck, a waif, 
whom he had befriended in the big city. Zeb, the father, is a clever Yankee farmer, 
through whose role runs a huge vein of quaint, fetching humor. Mandy, his droll 
spinster sister, is a type. Grace, Amy, Tom. and Freddy, an English fop, portray 
the society roles. Uriah, a kittenish old beau, and Ben, a country booby, have 
small, but excellent character bits. 

•GORGEOUS CECILE. The. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 
Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters, i interior. Time, 2 hours. Max, the 
son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
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visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are 
frustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns. 

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Just for Fun (27c.) 

Men, Maids, Matchmakers 
Our Boys 
Puzzled Detective 
Three Hats 
Timothy Delano'a 

Courtship 
Up-to-Date Anne 
White Shawl 
Fleeinsr Flyer 
From Punkin' Ridffe 
Handy Solomon 
Hoosier School 
Kiss in the Dark 
Larry 
Love Birds' Matrimonial 

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Mrs. Forester's Crusade 
New Pastor 
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Standing Room Only 
Stormy Night 
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Tangles (27c.) 

Little Rogue Next Door 
•Till Three P. M. 

Train to Mauro 

When Women Rule 

Won by a Kodak 

April Fools 

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Little Red Mare 

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Medica 

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Cheerful Companion 

Dolly's Double 

Drifted Apart 

Gentle Touch 

John's Emmy 

Point of View 

Professor's Truant Glove 

Belles of Blackville 

Sweet Family (27c.) 

Conspirators (27c.) 

A Day and a Night (27c. ) 

Gertrude Mason, M.D. (27c.) 

In Other People's Shoes 

Maidens All Forlorn (27c.) 

Mary Ann 

Romance of Phyllis (27c.) 

Fuss vs. Feathers 

Tanglefoot vs. Peruna 

Great Libel Case 



Farce 
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(27c.) 



Farce 



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(27c.) Farce 

Drama 
Farce 



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Farce 



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^«wrt^wflJV^^^/^^^^vvww^ 




il 



mSL!^ CONGRESS 

rraternal and oecret oucicuv. 

INITIATION STUNTS" 

By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 
Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 

Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 

Slogans and Mottoes 

Greek Letter Societies 

Reason for Rough-House Initiation 

Yells 

Songs 

Pledge Stunts 

Fraternity Toast 

Part II 

Greek Letter Fraternities 

Side Degree "Eta Phi Mu" 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 

Miscellaneous Yells 

Banquet Toasts 

Hazing the Obstreperous 

Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey St., New York 



V 



lllllBlMlllilll ^°^°"^^s 
015 906 388 4 ^ 



